I remember incidents at a flower shop this year.
I decided to buy flowers for Mother’s day with hesitate because flowers were hesitate thing for me to buy for someone. I went the flower shop in the shopping center near my house. It is rather a big store for me from my childhood. It has four floors and the flower shop was in first floor. On that day, in the store there was a large crowd. First of all, I should withdraw money from ATM, so going to ATM at four floor with walking escalator. After withdrawing, I descended.
I stepped the first floor there was the flower shop. I stopped at the flower shop. there were lots of flowers, mainly carnation flower varying shapes, decorates, colors, it's wondrous for me to look at flowers. I was riveted on at one point at the shop. This was the spot near a cashier selling flowers individually, and it needed to take one by one and stuff into a transparent small bag set on the shop's ledge. I didn't, but if you want to make bouquet, you need to pick up lots of each flower and stuffing. I was riveted on because there were profusion flowers full-blown, mainly carnation flower of which color is vivid. On the other hand, the individual flower wasn't to last long because it was already full-blown, less than flowers already set-up and it contained buds of flower, that means the flower will bloom.
But I didn't want to last flower, because I wanted to pass the flower full-blown the moment I handed to a person and I didn't like being of pot containing flowers in one room for long period. So, I just decided to buy some separated carnation flowers, red, pink and so on.
I went away a little from the spot of the selling flowers individually to watch carefully how to stuff flowers into the bag. Because honestly, I didn't know I could touch that individual flower or only shop staff touch the individual flower. As I found a customer who stuffed the flowers into the bag, I assured that it could be touched by customers, self. But there was problem, that was, it was messing between customers who was at line and the viewer of flowers including stuffing into bags. I thought if I first going to pick up and stuff bag, it would interfere with customers who was at line, moreover it took a little bit minute. So I decided I should go to the line without flowers and stuffing flowers as I was in the line. When I reached the end of line, a guard said, "this is end of line," I obeyed it. After waiting a little, turn, picking flowers near a cashier was coming. I stepped a little from the line, and started picking up. While I was picking up flowers and stuffed into the bag, because of it took a little bit minutes the person behind me was overtaking when I looked back for the line. I was overtaken, I had thought it would be because of taking little bit of minutes to picking up and stuffing. There are adequate spaces in line between in front of me with one(who overtook me) and new one who was behind me. Perhaps, but, because of pandemic, not for me, also if I return to that spaces, I thought I would feel guilt about it, maybe there are possibilities a person at line couldn’t believe I had been on the line, and if that so, it was so rude thing to return. Though I could return the line, at the same moment I thought I should took minutes to buy rather than swiftly buy flowers, it's mostly wistful, pathetical and transient for me, in particular, on these events because I felt it tended to be memories by the fact that taking time, although this fact of course, taking superfluous minutes and the person who receive flowers couldn’t know the time I took, it was just for my problem, emotional. Of course, I thought that was the unprofitable character of my own in society and I thought I was somehow clumsy in this point and couldn't be understood it by someone.
I couldn’t help going over again to the end of line for taking time for memories, not only feeling guilty if I was back to the space. I couldn't help it. The guard said, "this is end of line."
I want to take care about lots of thigs, but in other words, it's domineering, I think once in a while. I scare about being domineering, it's thumbed like people who couldn't be ease until who could touch enough, couldn't leave it as it is and this sense is repulsive for me. I so sometimes want to leave it as it is, not domineering.
Human is living with others more or less, not by myself. But each person varies from the amounts of others in mind when he or she act by themselves. One is including others into one's perception enough when thinking something, But on the other hand, other one isn't enough of including others into perception. I longed for the former one than latter one. But I guess it takes hours for the former one, needing hours when one think about, it's needed thinking about others. So I guess the former one would get tired.
I interpret lyrics Norwegian wood by Beatles as the girl is mysterious. there is a phrase in lyrics "I once had a girl Or should I say, she once had me?", if I take the standpoint of her, if I change phrase little bit, "she once had me(him)", it can consider that the girl is usual for herself and for her, the other, 'me(him)' is mysterious because most of cases, if one considers the other one as mysterious, so does the other, it's so mutual but saved in this lyrics. In other words, it's a one-way-road, and can’t see and understand contents of claims the other one talks like in a story, for example, a protagonist in the story say many words and does lots of actions, but others in the story like supporting roles couldn't these, saved. Vice man is labeled "vice" and now and then I couldn't know the part of vice man's claims and this situation is continuing for the time being. I wonder who is vice actually, It's determined by decider.
I acknowledge I'm weird a little, but not so weird. The reason of this, I guess, if I become noticing that I'm too weird, then I will stop it. I have a lever to stop my weird, and this is sensitive to catching my weirdness, it's so boring, and half-baked weirdness. I adore people who have full of weirdness, I long for becoming like that. But there are many types who have weirdness, and in some of types, I don't want to become. Weird people I admire are maniac or authentic unique although sometimes would be heresy by weirdness or by something lack of ordinary abilities, mainly not negative. It's difficult to define weird people I admire. I think if I get self-confidence backed up by some kind of base, I would be weirder.
I want to be known of my complain and trouble about life and agony through life. But it's so difficult, like a song sung by The seeker's, Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.
"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen;
Nobody knows my sorrow
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen;
I have empathy this song, in particular, when I'm too depressed, feeling too alienation from everyone or everting. Even If my agony, trouble and complain could be known by someone, mainly it's so superficial. I think I have been having the energy of pitching my complain, but it's so difficult to select where to pitch. When if those stuffs can be picked after I pitched, who pick those up?
What is affirmative? I on surface deny myself. It would be seen I'm not affirmative. Of course, I deny each event or each happening, but in depths, to be honest, I feel I end with affirmative almost always, it is composed of things that I deny myself and things would happen in future and things I could convince myself. I want to hammer my affirmative. I'm affirmative man, and by my ground, it means from widely land, I feel I envelope my lack or mistake, saying like it's my temper. Is it justifying myself? It would be so. It's so hardship to overcome and to separate what is justifying or not. Saying again, What is the affirmative? I couldn't understand really, I couldn't know optimum, nor apt way for usage of affirmative. Being affirmative is no less worth to think than being negative, needing to think more.
If someone say, for example, it needs to be peace or to be equal, I have two characters in my own mind about these.
One is 'Oh, it's important thing, it's hopeful, I must do to that process, you say nice things.' On the other hand, I think, 'umm, of course it's so important, but it is the things of typical ideal and couldn't achieve any easily, reality is more strict, if it is easy, already it would be that, so you need to think more."
If it said during singing by folksinger I like before I was born, I want to live in that age and experience atmosphere once.
Most of cases Suggesting Paradox have worth in itself, and needn't go farther, for it means having the worth, contrary to the claim that have been saying. In one meaning, it's irresponsible, I sometimes think, because only throwing paradox, but paradox is interesting.
I feel getting angry to person who is getting angry because I don't want to look the face and body, for example, frown face, eyes with running through blood, clench of fist and teeth with fury, spreading strides when one walks, lip's wiggle, emitting noisy sound and impatient reply to others.
Like that, I feel tend to become aggressive when I'm becoming an assailant as someone is victim-like. It's because of distances between me and the object. Of course, I know victims suffer from agony and so hurt by assailant. But the more the object goes away from me, the more I couldn't bear the distances and frustration is piled up more. It's a cruel thing, but it's my mind.
Also, if I blame someone in person, it's paralyzed by one if one become speechless, not intend to do convey messages. I think, Don't obey me perfectly without a word or an act, please rebut to me or claim your desire, or it means my desire or fury will accelerate, but l know a person who is blamed need sometimes to take guts to rebut and claim one's desire, and sometimes it's effective to be speechless to a attacker's saying, in particular, when one feels disgust or the attacker hasn't any reason, it depends on situation. But still I want to say things getting from my trivial experiences, it's important of claiming or rebutting for a person, so as not to accelerate a person who is blaming, needed to stop with claiming or rebutting, and a person who is blaming might not stop by oneself unless object try to stop with claiming or rebutting, and by doing them, a person who is blaming can be saved.
Most of cases, I have antipathy to noisy sound when one tries to gobble, gulp and slurp when I am there. But in these days, I think it isn't to be blamed in a part, because it could eat more deliciously than eat quietly. I sometimes challenge to chew snacks like potato chips with earphone in ears so as to concentrate hearing clear sounds of crunching potato chips by shutting down other noises except the stentorian sound of crunching potato chips. If I take it so long time, I become sick, so I don't, but by trying reasonably, I feel it accentuates the deliciousness of potato chips than eat it without earphones. Sound is one element to accelerate the deliciousness, I think. So, if I must eat quietly, I couldn't, it means less and less deliciousness of food. But it is just only when I'm alone. If others are there, it's needs to take care of. Sometimes one would say when it is with others, "Don't eat and drink with noisy sound," I most of time obey it, but I want to wonder, "If people could feel delicious, rather, people shouldn't eat with others, it will kill the food deliciousness." But it's because I most always alone when I eat, so I don't know and understand the pleasure of eating and drinking with others, but I suppose there are. In conclusion, I think it's problem whether you take the deliciousness or pleasure with others of eating.
I sometimes think what diversity is. I used to think so as to be diverse I should secede from the place of diverse and shouldn't claim and say opinions or desire much, that means refraining from, so as to give freedom to others. But I notice now that is false in some places. In some places, of course, I should refrain from claim and say opinions and desires, on the place giving freedom to others or leaving responsibility others if once I decided I couldn’t relate to them all. It means almost all despairing myself in that places. But on the other hand, in some places, if I couldn’t want to claim and say opinions and desires, that means despairing, I feel Where I am, it isn't diverse in the meaning of despairing myself, I notice I needed not only approve other's diverse, also myself, my diversity, my complicated character and feeling if I crave for relation in some place. So if I needn't much in one place, it's all right if I don't claim and say my opinions, but if I crave for relation in that places, I should claim and say opinions and desires to relate to them, it means needed to find out compromise point in some time to be divert with my claiming and saying opinions or desire and others, and the realm of I took and others took would depend on the situation and time.
When I feel sad deeply or I'm depressed, most of time I feel I shouldn't exist and my entity is nothing expect in my room or on internet, or really nothing anywhere. Not only in my room and on internet, if possible, I want to go one place when I feel sad deeply or I'm depressed. It is Lonesome town by Ricky Nelson. Though according to the lyrics, lonesome town is a place lovers go, but I couldn't sure I love someone or something.
"Goin' down to Lonesome town
Where the broken hearts stay
Goin' down to Lonesome town
To cry my troubles away
In the town of broken dreams
The streets are filled with regret"
What a wonderful place it is when I feel sad deeply or I'm depressed, where the broken hearts stay, and could cry to my troubles away, and I also could regret. I'll feel I'm permitted to do these things if I can go. I crave for finding out a place like "lonesome town", not only after heartbreaking.
I think it is a good way to claim your desire more than actions, like violence, resignation, disobey, I used to pile up of my complain and as a result I need to resign. I noticed it's a good way, this, before actions, needed to claim desires. But perhaps there are needing to take actions. But first of all needed to claim desire, it take guts, but worth to take guts to change your position.
I think about death now and then.
I couldn't remember all before I was born. Through it, there are nothing about anything, nothing I could feel. There is only history edited by, conveyed by someone, not my memory it could learn from someone. I'm beginning to think that live or death is the problem of notion, and it is needed to make. I sometimes think I couldn't know whether I live or not. But also I feel it's a natural, if I think live is just the problem of notion, it's artificial, I'm forced to live. And why couldn't I remember before I was born? I think it's because I couldn't make notion before I was born. Only after I was born, using the letters and speaks and so on, I could make notions, notions of 'live'. If I'll be dead, like before I was born, I also wouldn't feel anything, any kind. But now at least as long as I live I could make notion of death using letters and speaks, could imagine the world of after death. This is just my speculation, needed to think more.
I've been reading a book Human Comedy (Dell Publishing) by William Saroyan since the beginning of June. It's the story during World War Ⅱ, and lots of things happen in California including things caused by War. Homer, 14 years-old-boy is the main character in this story, who works as a messenger, not as a draft. Sometimes this job makes him reluctance. One of them is needing to deliver a telegram to a Mexican woman that is the message from war department that the Mexican woman's son was killed. There are many scenes depict the sadness of this woman and awkwardness for Homer. There is sentence, "It wasn't Homer's fault. His work was to deliver telegrams."(Chapter 5) It's so pitiful, I felt, needing to deliver even if Homer doesn’t want to do because it's a job. Like that, I think It's so hard job if you must do though you don't want to do, for example, undertaker who need to undertake corpse and guard who need to battle with culprit with weapon in case of an emergency.
I'm now reading this book, and this is interesting and want to write about this more, but if you feel feeding up with, sorry for it.
・On The Untidy Bed
Trembling one's right hand with a smartphone, one lies in a bed. Cotton whose shape is like guts of sheep, whose color is white, protruding from a ragged drab blanket with stain everywhere, the blanket is a little bit torn, the more it would be torn day after day by using it. One tries to sit up on the bed, and tries, but one can't raise up one 's body on the way. Again, one decides to lie on one's back on the bed from the center of waist, slowly, depressed. A deadline is coming, but one can't get to one's feet, even can't sit up on the bed, wanting to stay in the bed.
It was so hot today, I met one dog in front of a small shopping center after I went out from the shopping center. The dog was sprawling on ground under benches used as repose before me. But the dog couldn’t be covered all of body by benches which only covered dog's head as a canopy. I walked beside the dog to go to my bicycle, the sprawling dog hardly moved except wiggle and didn’t bark, but panted slowly, heavily. I passed by beside this dog and I was behind the dog under benches. When I looked back at the dog, I could see this dog's back without covering and I noticed the shape of the sprawling dog with wiggle was like pudding while it is carried on a rattle plate with sway, I gazed at the dog for a moment.
I use vending machine frequently, once in a while something happens around vending machine. So, I'm trying to remember occurrences I have.
While I was drinking juice in a bottle near a vending machine on a hot day, a woman who was picking up the empty containers was coming.
"I wonder why most people don't discard empty containers to the appropriate waste box," a woman said, "Don't you think so?"
I nodded, "Yes, I think so."
I nodded two or three times to this claim, repeated, but then, I bored a little, and did tone down when I replied, showing I haven’t will to hear anymore.
Of course, it's so important what the woman said, but I fed up with claim after claim, it's so hot. I escaped from her when a traffic signal changed. So sorry for it, so sorry.
I remember challenging the vending machine needing 1000 yen, but I forget all what I got.
Every time I use vending machine, I startled the cleanness of a vending machine's dispensing slot, and so container always clean. I do doubt strongly why vending machine's dispensing slot is clean, always, it would be used lots of time, cleaner always carefully wiped out the dispending slot? Maybe this is only me that I haven't met the vending machine whose dispensing slot was dirty. I wonder. But the vending machine's display isn't always so. I guess because it haven't cover like the dispensing slot and wind would bring dust and stuff to the vending machine, also I sometimes hear sound of fly's buzz around vending machine at night because of light that comes from the display.
I'm too flabbergasted to do any action when soda burst out without shaking by human. Perhaps, It's be shaken when I push a button and put a coin into a coin slot and the container fall into a dispensing slot BANG. It's the game for me to try whether it will burst out or not when I buy soda. So, I sometimes open just after I bought the soda. I unscrew the cap and when the soda whose carbonic acid is rising up in the container and to outside of it, I want to say, stop! stop! But it's too late and the soda is burst out and scatter around me and to my shirts, trousers. It's pandemonium.
It's so disturbing, I feel, to people or vehicle in front of vending machine that stay long when I want to buy juice at this vending machine. For example, a garbage track. I feel, why doesn't this vehicle go a little further from front of the vending machine? Or a man who is drinking in front of the vending machine. I want to shout, "please go away from it." But there are lots of vending machines, so o.k., if I go others. I have never putted my desire into words toward the person or the vehicle that staying in front of vending machine. But honestly, if I want to drink particular drink at the vending machine and it's difficult to buy other, I want to say to the person or the vehicle that stay in front of vending machine.
There are vending machines with chance of winning. For example, putting 100 yen into a coin slot and buy a container of juice and roulette is starting and if you hit on this vending machine, you could get another container of juice. I experienced hit on this vending machine several times, but once I did screw up, now I write about it. I once hit by a coin needing 100 yen for almost all each juice and so I needed 100 yen juice and got two containers of juice, it's happy. But something strange thing happened. I still could push buttons for 100 yen juice and got another after I got two containers of juice. So at that time I thought I hit more container of juice. After that still I could get 100 juice one after another, I shouted in my mind, lucky lucky! I noticed I couldn't push buttons more after I pushed 6 times, and I felt something was strange and when I looked my charge purse, my only 500 yen I had was leaving. So it means I used 500 yen that I had thought 100 yen to the vending machine. And I got 6 containers of 100 yen juice at once by paying 500 yen. I was glad the fact I hit one time, but I couldn't feel glad about using 500 yen at once to buy juice. My 100 yen I didn't use was sleeping in my coin purse.
6.14 At night
Now I'm waking up, so I could spit my complain, my agony. I many times quit or become apathy if I haven't motivation to something I should do. It's because my complain and apathy is piling up.
Before making pilling up, I could spit.
Before I couldn’t go, I need try to spit. it's not only this place. But to the place where I don’t want to go. I'll spit my complain. I decide it.
I imagine a boxer A. In some time, I hide from many attacks, but if I find chances, I could spit, it means punch for the boxer A.
Now I'm going to pieces, I sit before PC and write these sentences. I feel the desk holding the PC and keyboard isn't for me, now I'm using and light around me isn't for me, I feel it's for someone else except me. I opened a book around me for a moment, but I couldn't read. I'm overwhelmed by the length of the book. I felt and feel it wasn't for me, in other words, I'm not apt for living these environments. I want to die.
Recently I try to write the thing I couldn't say to others into as word usually. It's the emotional thing and usually it isn't become words. I could tidy myself up by it, but at the same time I think it's cheap. when my emotion changes into words, it become more and more far away from emotion. Emotion is more complicated. It becomes Cliché by changing into words. I sometimes feel emotion is worth to preserve as emotion, not changing as words, so not tidy up, but it's worth of having. If I decide a final moment, I don't want to leave something to tidy up myself. When the final moment comes, I go with untidy emotions, it's could call pure, I hope I don’t' leave anything don't tidy up.
Also, I think, as follows. Words are the prevailing thing. When my emotion is staying only my heart, inwardly, it isn't uncovering, hiding from society, so it could call the lack of socialness, but sometimes I want to stay in hiding from society. I of course don't want to relate to others every time and secret is needed, if I could preserve my untidy emotion in my heart inwardly, I could feel I could hide from society, and I think it's original for me, it has worth. I could see the emotional thing on novels, but often I feel it's cheap (of course sometimes I feel it's special for a writer, and I think I couldn’t come up with that feeling), and I guess if these words on novel is staying at the writer's heart inwardly, not become as words, it would have more power, looking like having worth for the writer.
Also, if a sender prevails emotional thing, receivers hardly take it the way as the sender’s hope. Each person interprets a book or a sentence or a word or a claim by each person's way.
Weakness have worth, and sometimes I want to go and soak into the weakness. Strongness isn't always an ideal place. Wanting weakness is like wanting sadness, and gladness isn't always the place where I want to go.
6.15 At night
I'm reading a short story by Truman Capote, but it's so difficult. I'm overwhelmed by words in the story of Capote. I many times check and search the words, it's so tiring. What is the difference between me and Capote? If I want to be like Capote, where is a place I should go and what are habits needing to me. I want to say I'm a human, but could I say? I doubt if I have worth to live. Furthermore, if I couldn't read enough, why do I exist? I tried to sit on my chair today, but almost all time when I tried to sit on, I dragged strings of my sack by casters of my chair and needing to take the strings from the casters. I'm so irritated by it, and at the same time I thought, not only I couldn't read a story by Capote, but couldn't I sit on a stable chair at first, even? I want to read a Capote's book more with the unstable chair with weeping, depressing.
If I can choose whether sleeping connected by tubes in hospital or sleeping on bank with grass, I would select the former one. I used to be connected by tubes, when it was I felt I wanted to move, but the moving isn't needing now. I get fear to the things I will do in the future, I feel I can't suppress these, I'm a puppet of my desires, only riding in the name of desires and be carried on these. I want to rest or be rested, maybe forever, probably shouldn’t move any more. Why do I need to move more?
I think now the reason why identifying the causes of suicide are difficult. One reason of this is because causes of suicide are compound thing. Death, most of cases comes from feelings of pilling up by frustration or pilling up of desperation or pilling apathy, I think. Why do I think death comes from pilling up of these most of cases? Because if a cause is individual thing, it has afford to cope with. If a person who committed suicide was on the stage of simple causes, he or she wouldn't commit a suicide. More and more the causes were pilling up, and more a person who committed suicide couldn't know what to do and finally died. the more the causes are compound, the more it is complicated, and the more identifying the causes of death become difficult.
I think if the pilling up of causes is contributing to the causes of death, a person who want to die including me should cope with a individual thing before it will pilling up.
I barely read today Truman Capote's short story "Children On Their Birthdays" (p.135-154) (A story of Truman Capote The Complete Stories, Penguin Books). As before I said, it was so difficult to read. I note what or where or when was difficult for me as bellow.
・Time. this story starts a protagonist girl Miss Bobbit is run over, and then from a year ago the story proceeds. But I felt the word "a year ago" is furtively written, so before I reached 3 pages in this story while reading, confirming it have sequences and gradually part from the first happening, running over, I couldn’t sure when each event happens. I'm not good at making sure when each event happens.
・Words. Overall it was so difficult for me. In particular about a protagonist's Miss Bobbit. For example at page 135(First page on this story), "wiry", "starched", "mince", "sassed". It was so hard to check and search each word.
・There is a character Preacher Star. I imagined a clergyman when I heard a word "Preacher". But in this story, Preacher Star is a boy. For sure, "Preacher is a rail thin boy" is descripted just after Preacher Star's appearing (p.138), but I got confused.
I read all barely, but it was not enough, I doubt I should say I could read. After I could read two boys Billy Bob and Preacher Star love Miss Bobbit and repetitions of Miss Bobbit's compassion and gentleness to others, I could get a whole image of this story. I was desperate to catch up with this story, so I need to read over and over again carefully.
I'm sitting in a chair and write these sentences. I also frequently write sentences while I'm lying on. I think writing down during lying on tends to write things that is more escape from reality, so when I have to face reality, it's trouble thing for me. On the other hand, if I write during lying on, I can catch up with more elastic things than sitting on my chair, for example when I just after waking up or while I hear music or after I turn off a light button and try to sleep. I want to write, combining between the position sit on and lie on.
Frequently I go to the small shopping center near my house to buy foods and I always fight with BGM in the shopping center. What kind of fight? It relates to my ability of listening English. The shopping center’s BGM is most of the time slow tempo songs, maybe classic about love, mostly sung by a woman I guess by Doris Day or Ella Fitzgerald like "I love you..." or "I couldn't part...", or "I hold you..." and so on. But I'm not good at listening English songs, especially when I first hear it, perhaps it relates to the noisy sound in the shopping center, anyway I'm not good at lightning English songs. But I sometimes could hear accurately these when the song is a sequence of easy lyrics and if it so, my fight starts, that is whether I could go out, fully hearing accurately the lyrics or not. After I buy products, I swiftly stuff the products to plastic bag and scuttle to exit without glance at anywhere, I engross in escaping from the shopping center, hearing the song hoping "don't come difficult words." I even resist to wait the slug of doors. I shout in my mind Get me out! Get me out! If I can escape from the shopping center, healing lyrics fully, I'm so happy. But not, I'm disappointed, get tired, and I can't hear again that song because I don't know that singer and title of the song, I feel blue.
I read a book The Human Comedy by William Saroyan. I wrote about this book before, but once again I'm going to write about this book. Because yesterday I read a difficult story by Truman Capote. Of course I need to try difficult books but after reading it, I want to talk about books I could read more easily. The Human Comedy's preface there is a sentence "I hope you like it. I have written it as simply as possible." Also this book separating 39 chapters with a illustration in the beginning of each chapter among about 190 pages and I didn't fed up with each chapter because change of a main theme swiftly and I tend to catch each chapter's main contents. So it's not so difficult(Of course, I'm not going to say I could read perfectly). I try to ruminate my experiences I had and combine with materials in the book once in a while chapter by chapter.
A main character in this story Homer is on bed and have a dream. His disgust character (A school's athletic coach) who appears in chapter 12, trying to stop Homer from joining a hurdle race because Homer don't wear track clothes also appears in this chapter and try to stop Homer two times. After that Homer rides a bicycle and because Homer works as a messenger and get tired, Homer dreams about a messenger, riding a bicycle and a messenger is like Homer himself but the messenger is died. I'm so scared by watching these sentences. Recently I try to change direction, opposite direction when I sleep, and so I have two varieties of direction when I sleep. If I change my direction from usually I take, I remember when I wake up, having a dream that is about more younger than the usual direction I sleep. I wonder why I can have about my younger. I would like to have a dream about my younger age. But if I change the direction, after I wake up I feel more sleepy than direction I always take. I guess because I haven't habit with that direction, so when I wake up, I'm unsure I could sleep enough. So recently I feel I want to have a dream about my younger and try sleeping opposite direction from usually I take, but it isn't habitual thing, so when I wake up I wonder I could sleep enough.
・Homer's younger brother Ulysees, 4-year-old boy pitches lots of questions to Homer, in particular chapter 8. I now want to learn about simple and short conversations in story in English. I think it's a good way to pay attention a young character in a story when I want to exercise conversations simple and short. I think it's so natural thing pitching questions adult wouldn't ask when a human is young like Ulysses. Because he is young and hardly knows about world. I think I many times tend to pitch questions, in other words, a inquisitive person, but should I say I'm so young? It's difficult separating young and inquisitive.
This chapter mainly talks about human nose because in chapter 10 at the ancient history class in school Homer go to, talking about nose from a text, like The Assyrians have a long of noses, the Hittites swung down the coast and over into Egypt, mingled their blood with the Hebrew tribes and give to the Hebrews the Hittite nose. I didn't understand the intensions of the writer, but anyway writing about nose in chapter 10. In chapter 11 Homer says "People have always had noses. To prove it all you have to do is look around everybody in this classroom." Homer also says the nose have other dimensions. "The purpose of the nose is to smell what's in the air, but some people sniff with the nose at other people's ideas, manners, or appearances." and so on. What I mean is I haven't never took attentions to and thought about noses carefully. I have been taking attentions to and thinking about other parts teeth and ears, but haven't never done about noses, and so this chapter was interesting for me. I recently think where the place people take attentions to a each person's faces and catch and define the person. Someone would to eyes, others would to lips, I don't know. It also depends on distances. I catch other's faces so bleary until as I look at near, and I feel it's elusive. If I first I couldn’t catch points of focus, but later if I can focus on, most of the time I'm amazed to it, most, it is contrary to images the person I've been thinking and it certify how I'm bleary when I look other's faces from far places.
・What is human or human like, I sometimes think. If I'm received a question, "Have you self-confidence you are human perfectly? " I doubt. But I think troubles are one of aspects of human-like. If there is a person who is immaculate, I doubt the person is human really. I have many troubles, in this meaning I can have self-confidence I'm human. In this book, there are many sentences, events about troubles like fight in school and causes of troubles like works and sometimes troubles are inevitable like war. I should think more what is human.
A day before yesterday I got so tired because I bought some picture books and these was so heavy. On the way home on a train I couldn't sit on any seat because seats was full of. So I had to stand with the heavy books. I stood near doors. Once I thought about putting the books on overhead rucks, but it was so dangerous if the heavy books fall down. Honestly I can't always use the overhead rucks because I somehow feel rude putting my luggage on other one's head. After leaning the books against a seat's side near a side handrail, I was sleepy and so I decided to shut my eyes. But while I shut my eyes the heavy picture books stumbled down and lied on. It repeated two times. It was so tired. Finally I decided to lean my books against a seat's side and tried to spread my right leg and leaned my right leg against the side of seat, so heavy books was in between my right leg and a seat's side. It was a little bit stable. After getting off from the train, I staggered a little because of remains of sleep and the heavy picture books. It is so enjoyable when I select picture books but I should think more about carrying the books.
To be generous is so difficult. I had the period once, I used to try to be generous, but my complains was accumulating because I suppress my desires and claiming, I was tired. I think recently, first I should more claim more my desires, and as a result I can't catch up with the degrees to be generous in proportion to my claiming desires. But now I think even if I'm seemed to be narrow-minded, I want to claim desires as much as possible. Perhaps novices can't be generous authentically even if novices try to be generous and first need claiming desires, repeating lots of times making afford through experiences, and among afford I think being generous will appear.
I would be said earnestly by a person I hurt "I want an apology from you", but I couldn’t understand the importance of apologizing in those days, so I reluctantly apologized to the person. In those times I couldn't understand but now I could understand it buffs and consoles mind other one who hurt, and in particular when I don't receive almost all apology as I want , I feel so, I get shock when other one don't apologize to me as I hope it. Apology is so important thing. Someone would say apology is a kind of makeshifts and after apologizing one still do the same actions. I think it's the problems of degree, of course the incidents one should apologize happens frequently, I doubt the effectiveness of apologizing, but most of the time apology have effects and if one don't try to apologize when needed apology in many cases it generates the moments of eerie and irritate others further, others would get more angry. But now I can acknowledge each person have the benchmark each about apologizing to others through experiences, so I don't want to force other one to apologize but inwardly I have desires to be apologized when I get hurt by the other one.
I like hearing music and hear frequently recently, but I notice don't want to hear anymore. I have two reasons why not want to hear anymore. One is so tired to hear and repose my ears for a moment. When I feel get tired, my earphones look like weapons rather than instruments, I want to hurtle it. Another is I can't get more stimulation. To hear music is to get stimulation to my ears. But if I hear many times the particular music, I can't get any stimulation from it, I can't get clouts needing to my ears and it's a only tiring nose, or timing when music bring my ears is different from my desires, it's so boring like eating foods that isn't so spicy when I want.
I've been wondering what is parent. I don't think I can make good relationship to my parent. I think I lived with human rather than parent, and can't sure the dignity and roles of parent in common, I can't know what is parent-like in person, it's differing from parent in common maybe. Child take actions as they like, but also parent do as they like, occasionally parent haven't a priority to child and take actions as parent like. I feel cruelty from it as a child, sometimes I can't permit my parent. I don't experience being parent, so I need vicarious to the feelings of parent though it's just vicarious . But if when I become parent, I guess I don't like parent in common also. It's from my experiences as I get older I notice I have lots of desires and can't have priority to others like my parent. So I need starting to admit the selfishness of my parent. Of course, I only have the selfishness and don't know I'll be selfish when I have child, further don't know I become someone's parent. But I guess even if I become parent, I will not have changes from now. I only know from now I have a qualification and probability of having selfishness when I become parent.
However I can select whether I become parent or not. I have thinking to some point don't want to forgive my parent, so in this reason I will not be parent. Now I can only vicariously think parent's hardness, but forever somehow I want to just be vicarious to parent, in other words, not wanting to become parent.
I think minorities and majorities sometimes. Eric Hoffer say in a book(The true believer, The Resistance Library, p.62, 63) there are two patterns of minority. One is a minority group which intent on its identity. Others is a minority group which bent on assimilation, in other words, wanting to join and blend with a majority group. I have empathy the Hoffer's saying, in terms of minority don't always want to join in the groups of majorities though I can't sure the meaning of identity. I admit I'm in a group of minorities mostly, but I don't always want to join the groups of majority, like Hoffer said. The reason of this is different from Hoffer. If I feel gratifying myself when I join in a minority groups, it's ok, but not I want to change into. There are lots of people at majority and I think its rule is overall thing and I think it can adapt to me. I also find out the virtues in the minority, in other words, originality. I would like to join other minority group rather than other majority group and envy so much the group when I can't be gratified in my minority group. But if I paralyze other majority group, for example decisions something needed to be decided soon, I should change into the majority groups. But I still want to remain in the minority group I'm in if I feel comfortable where I belong. Of course if my minority group's ability is inferior to other majority group, for example when I'm novice at work and not full-fledged, I want to join the majority group firstly, and then I can select whether staying in or not.
Recently if I don't want to eat more, snack or bread, I discard it soon. I don't want to preserve it, also don't look again it's faces. I notice most of cases when I don't need it, later I don't too. I don't know It's good habit or not.
I read today a story "Sunday Afternoon"(p.161-171), one of the collections Dance of the Happy Shades (Vintage Books) by Alice Munro. It's a story of one maid Alva and mainly depict the hardness of a maid overall. I make bullet list below while remembering what is interesting or impressing for me or contents, characteristics, hardness for a maid Alva, 17-year-old girl with citations in detail as much as possible (last is omitted).
・I felt Alva can't be rest because she obey directions by a employer Mrs. Gannett. Mrs. It's interesting expression Gannett call Alva like a bell though there are no bells in terrace (patio), "as discreet and penetrating as those of the bell" (p.164) .
・Alva is a prudent girl or I could say she fear of mistakes, keeping from mistakes as follows "The way Alva had of putting things down on a table always seemed to lack something, though there, too, she did not make any real mistakes." (p.164)
・She can't feel a entity, "Alva ... wished for a mirror, or something to bump into; she did not know if she was there or not." (p.164)
・I need to take attentions the clothes at work Alva wear.
Alva asks Mrs. Gannett if maybe the uniform is too big, but Mrs. Gannett did not think so. I felt indifferent. Alva has to wear stockings, I guess it's so hot. Alva also has to wear white Cuban-heeled shoes. I think the word "plebian sound" is a expression related to class (low-class), like "white Cuban-heeled shoes that clomped on the stones of the patio -- making, in contrast to the sandals and pumps, a heavy, purposeful, plebian sound." (p.164)
・Alva is a maid, so needed to prepare for guests, cooking. Alva feels suffering when guests is coming, "... when they were all drinking, and becoming relaxed and excited; she had to remember that it was not permissible for her to show a little relaxation and excitement too." (p.163) Furthermore it's hard to Alva required something like "Alva was free after she finished the dishes; dinner would be late. She could not actually leave the house; Mrs. Gannett might want her for something. " (p.165) and Mr. Gannett, who is husband of Mrs. Gannett asks her "See here, Alva -- she here, are you getting enough to eat?" (p.165) Mr. Gannett feels responsibility for Alva and takes care of. Alva is permitted to get a book and selected King Lear, but her room was so hot and Alva don’t want to read. Alva is resting on the room, dazzled by laughter, by people whose lives are relevant to the street, and all the furniture in the room come out of other rooms that had been redecorated. But is the only place where Alva can find things, unrelated to each other.
・In Alva's room, Alva write a letter to her family "Don't worry about me being lonesome and downtrodden and all that maid sort of thing." (p.167) But I don't think so, this isn't true voices for Alva, rather Alva is considerate her family, saying "Don't worry.", also considerate and can't say true voices to Mrs. Gannet, also looking like get fear of dismiss her work, "If you wrote Mrs. Gannett a letter she wouldn't know what you were talking about, and I don't mind. So don't!" (p.170)
・The Islands Mrs. Gannett's father own is a hope for Alva in this story. Sometimes the word "Islands" appear in this story and Alva is looking forward to. At pages 169 to 170 there are sentence "There would not be so much work to do as there was here.", this is said by Mrs. Gannett and I think it intensifies the hardness of Alva's work. But Alva isn't sure the pleasances though Mrs. Gannett says "the maids always enjoyed it." (p.170) because Alva haven't gone the islands and take question, "Alva thought of the other maids, those more talented, more accommodating girls; did they really enjoy it?" (p.170)
・I feel Alva is enduring the hardness, "Nothing was the matter, but she felt heavy, heavy with the heat and tired and uncaring, hearing all around her an incomprehensible faint noise -- of other people's lives, ..." (p.170)
I hope a person thinking about me after my death though I doubt I have worth. It's so sad and I get fear if other don't think me or forget me. But I should accept I will be forgot sometime though I feel it's cruel. Someone who died and was famous could be treated by many people intensely like tribute concerts. If someone left works worth to read or sing or imitate and so on would be read or … by many people. I long for these. On the other hand, I know a person who is hardly treated and is forgot almost all or who is hoped to die because paralyzing others many times when one lives. Its so sad, only thinking it I can cry, I can find teardrops is flowing along my cheek down. But it is also reality, and I need to accept.
Today I read "The Office" (p.59-74), one of the collections Dance of the Happy Shades (Vintage Books) by Alice Munro. This story writes about a protagonist "I", a woman who hopes an office to write escaping from a hard life as a woman, and go renting the office but a proprietor of the office Mr. Malley relates to her life with affections many times, and she gets confused about these. I make bullet lists as yesterday I did bellow.
・This story I felt and expected first talk about contents of writing because of her first intention, write about some story. But I felt as this story goes by, the more hindering piled up by Mr. Malley and can't have afford to write about contents of story she get and needs to think about Mr. Malley and talks about Mr. Malley.
・I first got fear when "I" witness Mr. Malley out of the office Mr. Malley pick up materials "I" write after "I" go out from the office. It's a case something needing to police. But after reading some of times, I found Mr. Malley talks to "I" about the story Mr. Malley guess interested and so hope these will be written by "I".
・"I" who have husband and children decide to want an office because the differences between a man and a woman. A man can bring works and shut his door, but a woman can't do this, "She is the house." (p.60) I think it's natural for a woman wants to have space can work like men.
・Mr. Malley is a meddlesome man for "I". Mr. Malley come the house of "I" many times, bringing items he thinks needing to "I" and advices to "I". "I" want to be let alone but Mr. Malley don't think so, "... Place needs a touch of colour, I'm afraid you'll get morbid sitting in here." Oh, no, I said, and laughed, I'm sure I won't. "It'd be a different story if you was a man. A woman wants things a bit cosier." (p.65) I guess these advices and presents for "I" of Mr. Malley comes from the affections to "I" though Mr. Malley have wife. Escalations of meddlesome start to "I", and "I" start to ignore him. I felt fear Mr. Malley start to put a note taped in the office “I”, it says "Mr. Malley would be obliged if I would step into his office." (p.69) to the office of "I". Mr. Malley feel some kinds of obliged to "I".
・I'll also feel let me alone like "I" in this story when I want to escape from roles, in other words, needing a hideaway, this is my overall impression to this story.
I don't exercise recently, but I think I should do. Before about 4 years, I did exercise but now I don't. I get tired now when I take exercises soon like walking, running, going up stairs and so on. Due to the lack of exercise, I get flabby around my waist, legs and become dull movements when I take act each, lacking sharpness I had before. Wanting sleep is my fundamental thinking now. I aware of the necessity and importance of exercise, but it's different from taking actions.
Recently the season of Tanabata. 4 days before, I found bamboo grass with pieces of paper many because of Tanabata, children would wish something before the shopping center I frequently haunt (The shopping center the dog had sprawled in front of (6/10) ). Near the bamboo grass, I noticed a piece of paper falling into the floor. So I decided picking the paper up because I thought if I leave it, I feel the wish will not realize and the child who wrote the wish in the paper will weep when find out the falling paper, or wind will blow the paper off, although I hadn't any special memories to Tanabata when I was young. I went near to the falling paper, catching it, not looking the wish and bringing it to the bamboo grass and tied.
The next day was rainy day, I also noticed a piece of paper was falling again, but I didn't know it was the one the day before. This day's one was wet and before the bamboo grass there were talking men happily, I thought shouldn't disturb the happy men, so I ignored the paper. I wished someone picking it up.
I slept from afternoon to evening today. I had a terrible dream, so I felt down. It was the dream taking violence to my family. I got angry and devastated lots of things, not stopped, continued to devastate. My family first shouted and tried stopping but later gave up, it was so sad for me because I wasn't stopped, needing to devastate and more I felt more and more guilty to it, felt sorry for it, I wanted to be stopped my act even if by force. After I wake up now still, I feel sorry for my family about I did in dream.
I guess the dream have to with the story by Carver I read today, I'll introduce later the story.
I read again a story yesterday "What we talk about when we talk about love" (p.114-129), one of the collections, same title, What we talk about when we talk about love (Vintage Classics) by Raymond Carver. I read this story before about two months ago, and because it was interesting, I reread yesterday.
This story talks about what is love with alcohol by two couples. The total 4 people, Mel, cardiologist and his second wife, Terri (Teresa) and a protagonist Nick - "me" and a protagonist's wife, Laura. Below I make bullet lists and write about contents, impressions and what is love and so on. I of course know I should not talk about love like Carver but I want to write about love after read.
・Terri talks about a man Ed who lived with Terri before Mel live with Terri. Ed is a violence man, tries to kill her because of love, Terri says, '"He beat me up one night. He dragged me around the living room by my ankles. He kept saying, 'I love you, I love you, you bitch.' He went on dragging me around the living room. My head kept knocking on things."' (p.114) Terri think that is a kind of love, but Mel doesn't approve it, and doesn't think so. Furthermore, Ed try to kill himself by drinking rat poison but once bungles, so after it he shots himself in the mouth and dies in the name of love. Terri thinks it's love. "It was love," Terri says. "Sure, it's abnormal in most people's eyes. But he was willing to die for it. He did die for it." (p.118) But Mel don't think it is love, "I sure as hell wouldn't call it love," "I mean, no one knows what he did it for." (p.118)
I think the entity of Mel has to do with Ed's actions, maybe Ed feels envy to Mel because of the relationship with Terri who lives in the same apartment in those times.
I don't know act like Ed, but I think it's a kind of love. After noticing that "this is the perfect moment", is there any reasons live more? I doubt it. Ed, I feel he is struggling to confirm of love, I guess he doesn't capture he is loving Terri, so he needs to try to violence to her and kill himself. I think love is action needing touch and skin ship many times, it is instable conditions, needed efforts, it is hard and suffering, the excessive form of love is like kill, suicide, double suicide and so on. Of course I understand Mel's claim doesn't know what Ed did it for. I think double suicide and kill partner is more obvious love than kill oneself like Ed. I don't know about love sufficiently, but for example, if I can't feel my entity I hurt myself, and wanting to be reacted or touched by violence to others and wanting actuality by pain I get, it may like Ed's action, I guess. Like confirming entity, love also needs confirming and so needs pain because it is unstable and so Ed's action is a kind of love I think. Also as I say before, Ed maybe envy Mel.
・There are scenes a couple, a protagonist Nick - "me" and a protagonist's wife, Laura confirms what is love. The love for them is touch.
For example, "I touched the back of Laura's hand. She gave me a quick smile. I picked up Laura's hand. ... (116) This is a scene after hearing from Mel and Terri's judgement about Ed's character of violence can called love or not. In page 119, likewise there are sentences Laura and Nick probe what is love by touch after hearing the story of Ed's violence and suicide and judgements whether it is love or not.
'"Well, Nick and I know what love is," Laura said. "For us, I mean," Laura said. She bumped my knee with her knee. "You're supposed to say something now," Laura said, and turned her smile on me. For an answer, I took Laura's hand and raised it to my lips. I made a big production out of kissing her hand. ... ' But after this touch, Terri get sick. '"You guys," Terri said. "Stop that now. You're making me sick. You're still on the honeymoon, for God's sake. You're still gaga, ...' (p.119) I also feel like Terri. The actions Laura and Nick take make Terri sick because Terri experienced more dynamic love, I want to say like Terri "You're still gaga," and Laura and Nick's love is a kind of cheap I feel compared with Terri and Mel, however, of course love is person to person and I admit Nick and Laura do love by touch but if I compare, it is cheap, sorry. Terri and Mel have been together 5 years, but Nick and Laura have been together only 18 months, it could say Nick and Laura don't experience enough about love. So I somehow want Nick and Laura to experience the hardness of love in the future after this story end, of course if not like Ed's case.
・If Mel and Ed is a pair, like Terri and Ed, Mel may admit Ed's actions as love, because a man loves a woman and a woman loves a man (Of course I admit also a man loves a man, a woman loves a woman). In page 117, there is a scene Ed is menacing to Mel, maybe because of relationship between Mel and Terri and Mel needs to protect himself, buying a gun. So I guess Mel feel fear to Ed, and this may cause Mel feel denying Ed and result in don't admitting Ed did love for Mel though Terri admits Ed did love.
・In page 121, Mel talks about love become just memory after heartbreaking, like "but if something happened to one of us tomorrow, I think the other one, the other person, would grieve for a while, you know, but then the surviving party would go out and love again, have someone else soon enough." I admit love become just memory after heartbreaking, but if a one died like Ed, the fact will be glorified and would have more value for the other one like Terri, admitting Ed's action was love.
・I don't want to blame easily others about love. Love is so individual affairs. Of course I can have interests to love, but don't want to blame easily. Someone maybe feel pleasures by getting pain or suffering by other one or needed to die because of love. I don't know. It is so individual.
・Seeing is so important thing for love. There are sentences as follows "... Well, the husband was very depressed for the longest while. Even after he found out that his wife was going to pull through, he was still very depressed. Not about the accident, though. I mean, the accident was one thing, but it wasn't everything. I'd get up to his mouth-hole, you know, and he'd say no, it wasn't the accident exactly but it was because he couldn't see her through his eye-holes. He said that was what was making him feel so bad. Can you imagine? I'm telling you, the man's heart was breaking because he couldn't turn his goddamn head and see his goddamn wife." (p.126) These sentences are talking about an old couple experiencing a car accident. Wife is becoming well gradually, but the husband can't see his wife, from his eye-holes of bandages, and so depressed not because the accident (she is going to pull through). I also think so, seeing is so important thing for human. I can see many things and it is pleasure thing. For example, I can see stained glass and by seeing it I feel it's beautiful, it gives me pleasure. But if I can't see stained glass, the less enjoyable. Possibly, there are chances I can feel pleasure by touching the stained glass. But at least now, I think getting pleasure by only touching is difficult. Of course there would be possibilities of pleasuring if I lack the ability of seeing except touching. Hearing, feeling and so on. But I can't imagine well having not seeing.
I think about human many times. It is interesting but feel agonies. I can't run away into contents. If I escape into contents like game, or novel, soon I want to return to thinking about human. If falling into contents, I guess feeling more at ease. But I don't want it, I just want to return thinking about human, even if it gives me agonies.
Now I think what is love again after reading "What we talk about when we talk about love" On 7. 8 I thought love can kill, but after a little pause, I wonder now it because I come up with love one after another, getting only by living. I don't know well.